Sustained happiness…. I want it. Does anyone ever get it? I have been working very hard… been trying very hard in this partnership with God to get where I need to be…. Some moments…. and even for days at a time I feel I might be getting there. Then, in literally an instant I feel the ground move beneath me and sense the walls tilt and soon enough…. I’m on my knees….. again.

Currently, I’m having a hard time understanding….. Perhaps I never will….. And resigning to the “never will” seems so fatalistic……. I feel there are glimpses of understanding…. of peace in my own world…. then…. again….. fun house mirrors and dizziness….. And the wind of the circumstances of my heart, head, mind, soul, spirit, body knocks me to the hard wood floors.
Oh. This human experience…… I’ve been told that God delights in the process…. That in ANY situation, he COULD just go ahead and intervene…. but getting us there is……..getting us there……… and I’m weary of the getting there……
Last night at this forum I attended, so many spoke of healing…. of transformation…. at what moment and where does it occur… and what is it exactly?
I thought I understood. I thought I had it. I thought I felt my own transformation burning…… and then again…… there go the floors…..
I just feel so worn out. I feel wrung out from effort…… I want to run away….. or, lay down in a thunderstorm. I want to flee to the west coast and jump off the cliffs of Big Sur……
So I guess…. I’m gonna have to just get there….. gonna have to wait…. for my wailing to turn to dancing…. for a shelter in a holy place….. for safety upon the rock of that cliff…… for my voice to be heard….. for His face to be towards mine………….
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